How to Unhook From the Vice Grip of Resentment
There’s a saying that goes: “Holding onto resentment is like holding onto a pair of hot coals with both hands.” Most of the things you’ll read about resentment talk about how it hurts the person who carries it more than the person it’s directed at.
And while there is certainly some truth to that, holding on to resentment and grudges can do real damage to an intimate relationship over time. I’ve seen it in my practice where a couple will come in, and while one partner carries the outward anger, the other is avoidant, withdrawing and filled to the brim with seething resentment. Both keep the conflict locked into place.
The conventional advice is to be courageous and confront your partner with your resentments and attempt to resolve it. But for many of us, that’s not a straightforward proposition. We might be afraid of confrontation for good reasons. Perhaps there’s a history of unresolvable conflicts, defensiveness or a lack of receptivity that makes it challenging to be direct.
However, resentment isn’t just a by-product of avoidance. It actually has a function, and if we can become more aware of the negative ways in which it clouds our thinking, we can begin to unlock its vice grip on our emotions.
Resentment is a way of deflecting the conflict and turning your anger inwardly versus expressing it outwardly.
Resentment reinforces a sense of powerlessness.Resentment increases feelings of distrust and insecurity in your relationship.
Resentment intensifies the connection to your partner, but in a negative way.
Resentment is ultimately a disempowering feeling state to stay stuck in because it can lead to bitterness, contempt and futility if we allow it to over-take our thinking. We might instead see the anger as an opportunity to shift our position within ourselves, and take more ownership of the way we may be unconsciously reinforcing ineffective communication patterns in our relationships.
Dr. Kristin Neff’s definition of “Yang self compassion” can offer an active path towards relieving resentment with self assertion and right action. When that happens, it sets the stage for true forgiveness and reconciliation. Here are some frames to help you work through resentment.
Awareness
Awareness is the first step in loosening the grip of resentment. Trying to force yourself to “let go” before you have more clarity and insight may only compound your feelings of frustration. Sometimes we unconsciously allow small resentments to accumulate until we explode. Neither of these are helpful strategies for managing resentment. Instead, zooming out on some of the larger dynamics at play may help you gain some needed perspective. Here are some aspects of resentment to bring some awareness to:
Acknowledging Ambivalence
Ambivalence and resentment often go hand in hand. Ambivalence can lead to hesitancy, indecision and feelings of paralysis, as it is hard to hold the internal tension of love and dependency simultaneously with negative feelings that we may harbor towards another person who we feel is hurting us in some way. Ambivalence can also point to insecure attachment and a lack of trust that your partner will be responsive to you when you attempt to reach out or resolve issues. Your partner may also have unaddressed issues with anger, and if this is the case, professional help might be the best course, as you can’t be responsible for diffusing another person’s anger without sacrificing your own needs in a relationship.
Navigating Power Differentials
You may over-identify with being victimized especially if you are conflict averse, tend to placate or are codependent, or your partner is dominating. Insecure attachment and past trauma may figure heavily into this equation as well. Many of us may have been conditioned to be agreeable to keep the status quo in order to survive in earlier relationships and overcoming those habitual avoidant or anxious tendencies will take time and conscious effort to undo. These relational dynamics can reinforce the tendency to default to resentment. And yet…there are potential positive functions of resentment.
Positive Aspects of Resentment
Resentment and anger can connect us to a healthy sense of agency. It indicates that a relationship is out of balance or that a situation needs to radically shift. Resentment can be a call to action which can be an assertion of your self value.
You may not realize that even if you identify more with loving kindness and compassion, if your default coping strategies are passivity, shutting down, and defensiveness, you are actively participating and perpetuating an unhealthy communication pattern in your relationship.
This can come as a surprise to some of us, but recognizing that we have a hand in the conflict cycle is essential to taking some responsibility for making a different choice. So where to begin? Bringing a measure of self compassion and loving kindness to the hurt you feel can calm the initial pangs of pain. You might naturally ask, why must I be responsible for soothing my pain when my partner caused it? It’s a both/and situation. In a healthy intimate relationship, you can count on or initiate a repair and apology from your partner at some point. And, as adults, we need to have a parallel process to attune to our emotions and hurt feelings—as we move through life’s challenges. It’s an essential skill.
Yin & Yang Compassion
Once you can name and have compassion for your feelings, the next step is discernment. What right action is needed here? I’ve found Dr. Kristin Neff’s model for “Yin and Yang” Self Compassion in her book “Fierce Compassion” to be a helpful approach for identifying what needs expression, protection or action. Her concept of “Yin” self compassion is the softer, more nurturing face of compassion, that includes self kindness, self soothing and comfort which eases the raw, vulnerable emotions around hurt feelings just enough to get clarity.
Neff defines “yang” self compassion as the essential, active and assertive face of compassion. Yang compassion means not only recognizing the “truth” of your experience, but mobilizing in a way to stand up and act on the truth, versus collapsing into a sense of victimhood. Discerning how to leverage anger into tangible right action may require you to cultivate a stronger relationship to your sense of power and agency, which you can begin to do by setting boundaries. If these are undeveloped, you may need to get support.
Healthy Boundaries Protect Your Relationship
Setting boundaries is a process. It’s not something you do once. You may have to assert boundaries consistently and with clear limits until your partner understands that you are no longer responding in habitual ways and learns to accept your boundaries. We often think asserting boundaries is a function of having respect for ourselves, but asserting boundaries is a way to respect and protect your relationship as well, and can go a long way toward unlocking the vice grip of resentment.