Why is there still such a stigma around couples therapy?

All of us are going to hit bumps in the road in our most intimate relationships. That’s a fact. Yet the irrational fear persists that if you have gotten to the point where you need couples counseling, it means your relationship is really on the rocks and headed for divorce or separation.

While sometimes divorce or separation turns out to be the conclusion, the assumption that couples therapy is the last pit stop before the end couldn’t be further from the truth for many couples. When you make the decision to go to couples counseling, you’re at a point where you’re humble enough to realize you don’t have all the answers. You’re both suffering and you want another perspective. 

A lot of people think couples therapy is only about re-hashing conflict week after week or the fear that one partner is going to get cornered, shamed, and blamed — and that’s a big misconception. Usually the first order of business in couples or marriage counseling is to learn how to turn down the heat. But the conflict can be a gateway into more insight about how your relationship actually works. We can’t see the forest for the trees when we’re blinded by emotional reactivity.

In couples therapy (whether that’s in-person therapy in Santa Monica or online therapy), you’ll gain the ability to understand your relationship patterns, cultivate awareness, and gain the tools you need to get unstuck. The purpose of couples counseling is not to just stay fixated on the pain points. 

Many couples let the problems simmer for years and suffer not only with resentment but the erosion of empathy. If you’re willing to be curious, compassionate, and open to engaging in the work — couples therapy can not only be a reparative experience, but can be expansive and healing.

How is couples therapy different than individual therapy?

Couples therapy is a lot more dynamic than individual therapy. First, there are three people in the room instead of two. Many couples come in with the intent of fixing the relationship, which is code for “fixing” their partner. But the pace of couples counseling only goes as fast or slow as the partner who struggles most with insight about themselves or the relationship. 

What we uncover in the process is where the limitations are — both individually but also as a couple. What are your contributions to the difficulties in your relationship you haven’t taken responsibility for and what are actual limitations that need to be accepted? Where is there room for negotiation? How flexible or open to change are we? What does it mean to be open to each other’s influence? 

Change also must occur in individuals as you navigate your relationships. How do we intentionally shift our thinking and perspective while bringing mindfulness to our knee-jerk reflexes? Perhaps you’ve made assumptions about your marriage that were never explicit. Maybe you want to renegotiate things because you’ve changed. Couples therapy provides an opportunity to get very specific about those assumptions and commitments and oftentimes, redefine them.

What if your partner is resistant or refuses to go to couples counseling?

That’s a very common question and a difficult predicament to be in. One partner may refuse to go to couples therapy all together, in which case I would recommend individual therapy first to figure out your options. Going to therapy still is associated with stigma, shame, and vulnerability. Vulnerability is scary, especially for men. 

However, going to any therapy isn’t about completely stripping away all your defenses. You don’t turn into a gaping open wound. You’ll learn how to be vulnerable to some degree but in a way that feels safe, measured, and contained. It takes courage to do the work. It takes courage to risk asking for what you need in a way that isn’t defensive, despite the fear of not getting what you need.

You’ll also learn how to attune and truly listen to your partner as well as how to talk to them in a way that invites conversation and empathy. The more responsive you become with each other as a couple, versus emotionally reactive, you’ll both start to feel the ground solidifying beneath you. 

Building that foundation creates a sense of trust in yourself and your process. While you may not be able to agree on everything in your relationship, you can draw on a mutual foundation of respect, admiration, and empathy. I always recommend both partners talk to the therapist for a few minutes beforehand in a consultation to ask questions, understand the process, and clear up any preconceptions.

How do you find a therapist who is right for your relationship?

A therapist might look great online or write great books but you won’t know if they’re right until you get into the room with them and feel it out. In individual therapy, you just need to click with your therapist. In couples therapy, both of you need to agree on a therapist you can engage with. I think of it a little like dating. It’s a gamble because you’re taking a chance by opening yourself up.

The connection to your therapist should also feel somewhat mutual. You need to trust that they can support both of you equally. A good therapist is going to compassionately hold a mirror up — not coddle you or take sides but to make sure you can both see the full picture. For example, as a therapist, I know when to challenge you or your partner when it will help you move forward. I can handle conflict and the intensity without shutting things down. 

Any couples therapist is there to be in the trenches with you. As you practice new ways of relating with each other — how to attune, how to truly listen, how to repair — your therapist will be there to support your growth. 

These are learned skills. We’re not born knowing how to be relational experts. A good therapist is going to have a trajectory that helps you build a more solid relationship. I would give it two joint sessions with a new therapist. You’ll have a sense if you want to move forward or not. 

How long will couples therapy take?

Of course you want to know what to expect from couples therapy from the start. How long couples or marriage counseling takes depends on the situation. There is no formulaic prescription as each couple and your specific needs are unique. Every therapist also has a different way of working with couples. My approach is built on three cornerstones.

I use the Gottman method couples therapy road map, which provides us a complete path to build your solid foundation as a couple. I also use Emotionally Focused therapy to help couples learn how to put the break on the conflict cycle and become attuned to what you or your partner are really asking for underneath the conflict. The third cornerstone is mindfulness practice to cultivate emotional regulation, compassion, and perspective. 

There is always a parallel process between the story you tell yourself and what’s actually happening or not happening in the relationship you’re co-creating every day. Some couples need a communication tune-up or come in to solve a particular problem. If there’s infidelity, mental illness, addiction, or trauma, the process of couples counseling can take longer. 

Oftentimes, the issue you and your partner come in with turns out to be the tip of the iceberg. This may sound intimidating, but investing in the skills you and your partner need to build a solid relationship pay off for the rest of your life. Relationships always take work. Once you let go of the belief that love will carry the day, from day one to day 101 or even 1,001, it actually frees you to become skillful, more aware, and a lot more intentional about your relationship.