Can Couples Counseling Heal My Relationship? 7 Essential Considerations

Couples counseling can strengthen relationships and help them heal from all kinds of adverse situations, including conflict, communication issues, betrayal and infidelity.  But there are some key considerations to bear in mind that may hinder successful outcomes. If you are considering couples therapy, take some time to reflect on some of these issues. 

Lack of motivation and commitment to change

There not only has to be buy-in from both members of a couple, but a genuine willingness to do the work of introspection, and commitment to change deeply ingrained behavioral patterns. If only one partner engages in the process, there is a high probability that therapy won’t do much to help things turn around in any meaningful way.  Your therapist can’t “fix” your marriage, but they can create a supportive container, help you recognize the patterns you are stuck in,  and give you both the tools to improve things. Ultimately, it’s a collaborative effort.

Timing matters

According to marriage researcher and couples therapist John Gottman, the average couple waits 6 years after? a serious problem starts festering before seeking help.  A lot of damage can happen in those 6 years, both within the marriage, but also within the family system if you have children. You might think of waiting too long as a kind of passive, benign neglect, but that would be a mistake. Over time a pervasive feeling of powerlessness, futility and despair can set in which Dr. Gottman calls Negative Sentiment Override. Too much Negative Sentiment Override can push you past the threshold of no return. 

Waiting until you are in a full blown crisis

A crisis is often the motivation a couple needs to seriously look at their marriage and determine whether they can redefine it on healthier terms. A crisis can provide an opportunity to reimagine and recommit, or it may lead to a separation or divorce. Sometimes separation is the best outcome if a relationship has run its course. “Keeping it together for the children” is one of the top reasons unhappy people stay married. While that is a very compelling reason on a host of levels, forcing your children to witness you in unhappy, bitter and perpetual conflict can be far more damaging to them than watching you go through an amicable divorce. 

Unrealistic Expectations

Individualism is the dominant value in our culture. Our expectations for modern romantic relationships have never been higher and our willingness to compromise and give up our autonomy has never been lower. That’s a setup for tension, conflict and a power struggle in any relationship, especially when stressors arise like having children, or needing to make concessions about where to live, managing money, or differing needs for sex and intimacy. Marriage by definition requires compromise and sacrifice, but if it’s done in the context of a shared value system where there is mutual love, respect, compassion and appreciation for each other, those sacrifices can feel more manageable.  

Will going to individual therapy instead of couples therapy help my relationship?

It depends. If your partner refuses to consider going to therapy, you might want to explore some of your issues with an individual therapist. But one partner can’t be responsible for doing all the work in the relationship. It’s a dynamic between two people that needs to be addressed and often deconstructed. There is also a limit to what an individual therapist can help with as they only see and hear what you are presenting them with. In some cases, they can unintentionally make things worse by validating and sympathizing with your perspective and encouraging you to express your authentic feelings, which in theory should be helpful.  But if you express your needs and experience in a way that is un-relational—meaning it triggers, inflames, blames or corners your partner—you can end up fueling more conflict instead of enlisting them to be more compassionate or responsive to you.

Shop around for a qualified couples specialist

“Licensed marriage and family therapist” is a misleading title. The vast majority of therapists do individual work even though the designation suggests otherwise. But couples therapy is a very specific niche. It’s a speciality, like treating addiction or OCD or adolescents. Many therapists say they treat couples and families but have no specific skills or training in that area. Make sure you ask the therapist you are interviewing what their training is and whether they primarily see couples.   What is their specific approach to couples work? Is it notably different from individual work? I would recommend speaking to at least 3 to 4 couples therapists when you are searching for one.

Consider Contraindications

If domestic violence and/or abuse is occurring in your relationship, couples therapy can inflame things at home and lead to more violence.  I would seek individual counseling with a therapist who specializes in abuse. Active addiction, untreated major mental illness (like bi-polar, schizophrenia, or untreated PTSD)  can also be contraindications to bring to specialists. Without a baseline of stability in both partners, it is impossible to have effective outcomes in couples therapy. These contraindications have to be treated first.

The Upshot

Couples counseling can be powerfully transformative under the right conditions. Understanding some of the key considerations and challenges in therapy can help you make an informed choice for you and your relationship.