Can too much therapy make you undateable? Yes and No.
When we require less perfection of ourselves but have higher expectations of others, does that narrow the playing field on the dating scene?
A 26 year old client of mine half jokingly complained at the end of a session that therapy was making her “undateable.” We laughed, but there was a part of her that wasn’t joking. What had changed for her? Why did she now see herself as undateable?
Before therapy, she thought she was unlucky and only attracted to emotionally immature men. In fact she entered into therapy grieving the loss of a relationship with an avoidant man she knew was unsuited for a committed relationship. And yet months later—with so much more insight into her behaviors and the realization of her own tendency to avoid emotional vulnerability —none of this awareness made her more dateable or attractive in her eyes. Quite the opposite. “I’m more picky now than ever and more undateable than ever."
I countered that part of her equated being dateable with appearing perfect, care-free and unburdened by any kind of emotional baggage or needs that would scare away a prospective partner. My client readily admitted that her Instagram image was far more important than an in-person first impression. Even though she knew that social media is curated and has little to do with how people are in real life, it mattered that people perceived her as perfect versus authentic. Untouchable and polished versus vulnerable and sensitive.
With the advent of dating apps in the last 10 years, the competition feels exponential now —whether you’re 20 something or 40 something, women often feel they are competing with celebrity equivalents of their age group for attention. Fueled by social media, the impossible pursuit of physical youth and perfection among women continues to persist despite the formidable advances of feminism and progressive movements toward more equality.
I have also observed that women in particular can over focus on their own physical flaws that have no actual bearing on their ability to attract or sustain relationships. Yet their perception of their dating market capital is enmeshed with their worth. No matter how much depth they have as human beings or how many advanced degrees they possess.
Social researcher Brene Brown has transformed the conversation around our notions of vulnerability, authenticity and perfectionism. In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” she writes:
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.” Brene Brown
How do we turn a momentary feeling of being enough into a conviction? The feeling of being whole in yourself, belonging to yourself—no matter what others think? The truth is that good therapy can help us discern what’s true about who we really are. Therapy can help us discern what narratives have truth value and which ones don’t.
The focus of therapy for my young client was to help her become less rigid and perfectionist, while having higher expectations of others. Just as she wanted someone to see past and accept her imperfections, she realized she needed to do the same.
What she eventually recognized was that the two dimensional portrait she vigilantly maintained was actually a barrier to relationship. It kept her at a safe distance so that she could feel less vulnerable and less disappointed when a potential love interest fell through. Her implicit expectation was that no one would find her imperfect messy self worthy of committing to so she offered a false self up instead. A self no one could actually relate to in a meaningful way.
As she developed more self respect and self worth, she became more authentic. She stopped pursuing the kinds of avoidant men she was formerly attracted to as they became less desirable to her. She was able to identify that authenticity, respect, direct communication and compassion were values she sought in all of her close relationships. So by that definition, she was right. Therapy certainly narrowed down the playing field instead of expanding it. She would have to overcome her implicit biases and take some time to get to know someone before dismissing them superficially.
And it was no longer a perfect self she believed she needed to present to the world in order to be deemed attractive, worthy or lovable.
The key to being “datable” is an intrinsic knowing that you are enough. And when you are informed by that knowing, you not only move in the world in a different way, you look at the world in a different way. You see with different eyes and prospective partners who come into your orbit become visible and available to you.
And you to them.