Begin Again: A mindfulness meditation for repairing after a fight

When we find ourselves going in circles, having the same arguments again and again, it can be hard to have a sense of hope that things can change. Resentment, disappointment, anger, loneliness and sadness —even a sense of futility can cloud our awareness. We may think that the intensity of all these difficult emotions we feel in the moment speak to a truth about the relationship and that there is no possibility for repair.

We may also be holding onto a fixed narrative, a story that we keep telling ourselves that doesn’t allow us, our loved one, or the situation to change. It takes a leap of faith but also a commitment to love as a daily practice to start over and  begin again. Before we can do that, we must let go of the anger, hurt and resentment  that can prevent us from offering forgiveness to ourselves and to each other.  

Letting go of any difficult emotion is extremely hard to do when you are not ready to do it. You can’t force yourself to let go. But if you give your difficult emotions compassionate permission to exist, the acceptance will give them space to arise, alert you to what needs attention, and ultimately pass.

Letting things be—as opposed to telling yourself you need to let go can help you soften the vice grip of resentment.  When we over-identify with negative emotions, it creates more suffering and more stuckness. It is deeply challenging to be vulnerable in a relationship especially when you feel misunderstood or hurt. 

In Buddhism, mindfulness meditation practice helps us come to the still place where we can accept things just as they are. That means letting go of our ego’s need to be right, letting go of the attachment to our sense of hurt, and letting go of the sense of grid lock. All of it keeps us away from the possibility of repairing and beginning again.

This doesn’t mean you have to be passive or placating in order to have a harmonious relationship. Instead it’s about being more present, compassionate and open. We can start the healing process by focusing our attention on our intention to be responsive versus reactive. We practice by letting curiosity and kindness inform our actions and our words.

When we allow ourselves and each other permission to begin again, we can come back to the table with humility and dignity, not resignation and shame. We can put our defenses down, with the awareness that our intention is to become more mindful in our communication as we distance ourselves from our old ways of being.

We can also make better friends with conflict when we finally see it as an invitation to let go of the way we are holding ourselves and our partner.

As you notice yourself opening to the possibility of beginning again, you may also encounter some resistance to revert back to the old familiar narratives that have the power to derail you. Just notice the intensity of the urge, like the swelling of a wave and allow it to crest and pass.

Beginning again is part of the cycle—the circular engine of harmony, disharmony, and repair in a relationship.  The  intention here shouldn’t be to eradicate all conflict and disagreement. Just like each inhale is a new beginning, every time you are mindful of the impulse of anger arising, you can decide to pause.  You can choose to slow down and listen compassionately first. This gives you the space to allow for a connection and opening of your heart. Every time you turn toward your loved one when they are seeking connection instead of moving away, you’re moving toward them with intention. You’re  beginning again.

Remember there are infinite opportunities to start over and reset.  Beginning again is more than an aspiration. It is the daily  permission to start over so we can keep evolving and bring ourselves into harmonious loving alignment. When you build a mindfulness based practice around love, you can become an active conduit for love. By connecting to and expressing the loving behaviors you seek in your experience such as gratitude, acceptance and respect, you’ll discover that love isn’t outside your field of experience at all. All of the feelings state that you long to have can be generated from within.  And the two of you can consciously create them together.  I invite you and your partner to read this  when you want to recover from a fight and find the heart space to begin again.